The Signs of Apocalypse
by mutantsrocktheworld
Summary: Found this in my files. Good ol' classic humor, rated K for Dick Grayson torture. Something very strange is going on in Gotham...


**I was just going through my files and found a few oneshots I wrote when I was twelve. I guess I was really bored when I wrote this; when I'm bored, Bats suffers. **

The Signs of Apocalypse 

Dick Grayson was having a hard time reading the morning paper. The headlines were just too strange.

"JOKER REFORMS FOR GOOD, MARRIES HARLEY QUINN, HIS NEW BOOK 'THE ERRORS OF MY WAYS' IS EXPECTED TO COME OUT SOON." read the front-pager. Dick flipped past, but it only got worse.

"PENGUIN DECLARES 'I HATE BIRDS.' TO TAKE UP DUCK HUNTING."

"SUPERMAN DIVORCES LOIS LANE!"

"WONDER WOMAN DECLARES INTENTION TO HANG UP THE CAPE AND JOIN THE GOTHAM LADIE'S KNITTING CIRCLE."

"TWO-FACE DEVELOPES THIRD PERSONALITY THAT LIKES WATERCOLOR PAINTING."

"SOCIETY GIRL VERONICA VREELAND DATING GOTHAM DETECTIVE HARVEY BULLOCK."

"MAD HATTER CERTIFIED SANE."

"JONATHAN CRANE OPENS DAYCARE CENTER."

Dick tossed the paper over his shoulder in disgust, then heard the door open. He turned around and his jaw dropped.

Alfred had a Walkman and was bobbing his head along to Nine Inch Nails as he carried the tea tray in. Dark glasses only added to the picture.

Dick found his voice. "A-Alfred? Are you all right?"

Alfred placed the tray on the table with great dignity. "Never been better, Master Dick. I just discovered this wonderful new noise called rock n' roll."

Dick stared after him with dropped jaw as he bobbed out of the room. "Where's Bruce?" he muttered to himself. "He's gotta have noticed this…"

It took a few minutes to locate him; and it was not in person. On TV the special feature was "BRUCE WAYNE SENT TO ARKHAM. THINKS HE IS A DOG."

"So, Bruce, what was the breaking point?"

"Dogs can't talk, Summer."

"You just did!"

"Oops… I mean, woof."

Dick headed outside. Maybe Barbara would have an idea of what was going on.

When he reached her house she was outside… playing tennis with the Riddler. And losing. Dick turned right around and headed into town.

The bat signal! _Maybe Gordon will understand, _thought Dick, changing hurriedly into Robin. _At least he should know what his daughter's up to._

When he reached the roof Gordon was sitting on the wall, staring dreamily off into the distance. "Commissioner?" asked Robin, landing behind him. "What's wrong?"

"Oh -nothing - nothing…" Gordon pointed at a nearby tree with a pencil he had in his hand. "Look at that leaf. Like the tattered banner of a fallen army, isn't it?"

"Oh no, not you too!"

"What do you mean? I've only taken up poetry."

Dick remembered one person that possibly might be still sane. Dr. Bartholomew should still be at Arkham at this hour…

He didn't have to go as far as Arkham to find him. A figure in a lab coat was running amok in Gotham University, cackling madly.

"Muahahahaha! I am the Psychologist! Fear my reclining couch! Feel the power of my group hug therapy!"

After dazedly taking the doctor to Arkham and locking him in himself (all the guards were missing) Robin began searching the cells, reasoning that anyone who had been previously insane might be sane now; the first person he found was Poison Ivy. She was reading a book called _To Win A Royal Heart _and sighing occasionally.

Robin moaned and continued on. Killer Croc's cell was empty, but Robin found him in the laboratory, making significant advances in the field of science.

"IS THERE ANYBODY IN THIS CITY STILL SANE?" yelled Robin to nobody in particular.

"Try Dr. Leland," said Killer Croc without looking up from his test tubes. "She went home."

Grasping at straws, Robin raced to her home, only to find she wasn't there. "She's getting married," said her next-door neighbor. "To some fellow… name of Fries."

Robin took the elevator to the top of the Statue of Liberty and threw himself off, only to be caught by Temple Fugit, who had taken up superheroics when he gained flight power from a radioactive meteorite.

* * * * * *

"My turn!"

The Joker, cackling, handed the controlling headset for the virtual reality machine to Poison Ivy. "I loved the Psychologist, Harl!"

"I thought the headlines were pretty good," said Harley generously to the Mad Hatter. "And I still can't believe-"

Batman came crashing through a skylight. "Release him!" he yelled.

"Hi, Brucie!"

"Good to see you, Bruce old fellow!"

"Come to save your dicky bird, Wayne?"

Batman stared at them in horror. "I thought you said the mind-control apparatus revealed nothing to the real world!"

"I said nothing of the kind! And I improved it," added the Mad Hatter. "So how's Wayne Enterprises? To think I robbed you without knowing it!"

Harley stared at their adversary. "What's he doing?"

Batman had sat down on the floor and was talking to himself. "-oh yes. SUPERMAN just wears GLASSES and of course, NOBODY recognizes him EVER, but when you go to the trouble of wearing a MASK and actually CONCEALING your IDENTITY…"

"Will someone call Arkham? I think they have another patient."

CARPE DIEM

**Yeah… lame ending. But R&R please? **


End file.
